“I can’t do it, she’s not drinking!” I screamed.
My mom and husband tried calming me down but I was inconsolable. I was attempting to breastfeed my week old baby through nipple shields because my nipples were bruised and bloody from her latch. I was bawling and having an anxiety attack because ‘breast is best’ but I wasn’t producing enough. Little did I know the pain that the next few weeks would bring.
At the hospital I was able to produce colostrum and feed my baby adequately. However, after 3 days, my milk still wasn’t coming in and the colostrum wasn’t enough to feed her appetite. We had to resort to formula while we figured out what was happening.
I brought 2 lactation consultants to my house, took Mooring and Fenugreek, got a blood test to check my thyroid and testosterone levels, was prescribed domperidone to stimulate lactation, bought a better pump, pumped constantly, and tried to breastfeed. I was doing everything I could to help my body produce breastmilk and still nothing came of it. Looking back, the stress of wanting to breastfeed and bond with my daughter probably didn’t help. But I was determined. After 4 weeks I was still only producing drops from each breast. I had to call it quits and admit defeat.
The mental load of hoping and praying for breastmilk to come was too much to bear. I cried often, talked about wanting to breastfeed with whoever would listen. When people asked if I was breastfeeding, I said no but always had to justify it and explain what I tried to make it happen. I couldn’t just say no we’re formula feeding. I didn’t want to seem lazy or as if I was taking the easy way out.
Reflecting on my journey now, I’m proud of how I handled it. I did in fact try everything in my power, but I wasn’t destined to have that experience. Hearing from other mothers how hard breastfeeding is and how it drains their energy, I’m not sure I would have handled it well. At baseline, I’m highly anxious and on top of that, I had the baby blues for 2 weeks. I’ve heard that the hormones associated with breastfeeding take you on a roller coaster ride, and I’m not sure I would have bore it well. So in a way, I’m thankful for my journey.
Despite not breastfeeding, I have the connection I desire with my daughter. She lights up when she sees me, she smiles when I give her kisses, and we have a ball playing together. All in all, I firmly believe the saying ‘fed is best’ and I’m grateful to have a healthy and happy baby.
