Imagine what an incubator might look like – warm enough, arm-sized holes for human contact and medical application, purely impersonal. A tiny, plastic box keeping a baby alive – that is its sole use.
Now imagine how a mother should feel while pregnant and postpartum – loved, cared for, understood and thoroughly respected as the woman carrying your child, your grandchild, niece or nephew. A postpartum woman should feel comforted and able to heal properly. They should be able to have boundaries respected for their own selves and their child.
So why do some women feel like an incubator? Why do others treat women like a tiny, impersonal plastic box that has the sole purpose of keeping a baby alive?
Intended or not, actions toward a mother matters.
With a woman who is treated like an incubator, the “how are you doing” while pregnant and postpartum is, in fact, “how’s your baby doing?” Wanting to speak with you, facetime, see you, is more of a formality while you become sub-human at times while your child becomes a community joy for everyone else.
Toxic friends, toxic in-laws, toxic family – it becomes excruciatingly clear who genuinely understands a mothers’ importance as a human, where her own individual self and her needs should be a priority. The mother carried her baby for nine months, needed time and grace to heal. The mother had her entire life flipped upside down, both personally and professionally; her body changed inwards and outwards, all to carry and birth a child for herself and her own family.
So if you are dealing with toxic people in life, you could be one of many unlucky mothers who felt that others treated her like an incubator and who now feels that their child is an emotional support baby for those who treated her as sub-human.
My Own Journey
My pregnancy and postpartum journey were some of the toughest months of my life. I let those who chose to treat me as an incubator – i.e., ignored as my own individual during pregnancy and postpartum, while my child became their gold star– remain in my headspace.
Often, it was impossible for me to block out because deep down, I knew I had postpartum depression and it felt like no one was in my corner, no one to demand my respect as an individual. At my lowest points, I felt utterly and completely isolated while those who had treated me as an incubator celebrated that a new “community” baby was born. My baby.
The problem with this entire scenario is just that. My baby is my baby, but I didn’t have the ability to truly feel the connection or love that I needed to for my own baby because I didn’t feel others provide me with that love.
Here’s the saddest part – those who treated me as an incubator did not understand the basics of human decency. Yes, a baby is fresh and exciting and adorable. But what about the mother who has developed over the past years? The woman who has grown from a baby herself, to a young girl, a young woman and finally a mother.
That woman is reborn as a new mother, as a new woman who has gone through an incredibly difficult process – she is now, finally, healing.
She should be the priority for everyone. Her baby should be her priority.
The basics of human decency dictate that a person be treated as a person, not as an extension of another. It is fundamental lesson we learned in kindergarten – “treat others the way you want to be treated.”
I’m lucky enough to say that I had support in other ways, and so I was able to overcome the depths of postpartum depression. However, it still rings true that I will never forget how I was treated during my pregnancy and postpartum period.
All in all, if individuals choose to treat women as incubators, if they choose to disregard our feelings or fail to validate and support us – we will remember. And on the opposite end, those incredibly kind individuals who offered support and kindness, we remember them too and our appreciation for these individuals is endless.
So be kind, be respectful and more importantly, treat pregnant and postpartum women as their own individual selves rather than an extension of their child.